SECURE ATTACHMENT WITHOUT PRESSURE
Small actions that add up
“Children need time. Our time.”
Carlos González
You’ve probably heard about secure attachment even before becoming a mother, about the importance of creating this type of attachment with your baby because their ultimate destiny in life will depend on that type of attachment and on you providing it correctly.
So… no pressure…
Indeed, it is important to create a secure attachment with your baby, because this secure attachment will be a safety net for their future, but what is attachment? It is the emotional bond that develops between the baby and their primary caregivers (usually the mother and later also the father). It is the bond that will allow that baby to explore, investigate, or return to that important figure when they encounter danger or difficulty. And it is precisely the response of that primary caregiver that will determine the type of attachment that will develop in that baby.
But it is not only the responses that are important, but also the ability of the primary caregiver to meet the baby’s needs consistently and consciously. And we are not just talking about feeding, hygiene, or rest needs, but also emotional needs, comfort, play, and closeness.
When the primary caregiver is able to bond with their baby in a positive and consistent manner, calmly, respecting the baby’s rhythms and allowing them autonomy for their own exploration, we can say that a secure attachment is forming in that baby.
Fortunately, today we have enough information at our fingertips to know that letting our baby cry is not the way to teach them to sleep, and that punishment, withdrawal of attention, or withholding comfort does not teach that baby to behave properly.
So, mom, dad, what can we do to raise our child with a secure attachment without pressure?
I sincerely believe that one of the best pieces of advice you can receive as a mom or dad is to listen to your instincts, to do what you think you should do, what your body, mind, and heart tell you to do…
A mom can’t help but respond to her baby’s inconsolable crying. Her body, mind, and heart urge her to pick him up, calm him down, whisper to him, and hold him close to her chest to offer him the calm and protection he needs.
And that is precisely what babies need from the moment they are born until… forever? Or is it that when you are an adult you no longer need the embrace of your mother or father?
From the moment they are born, babies need time, they need presence, they need us to be there, they need connection in order to grow, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally, so that they can feel secure in what they set out to do.
When babies are born, they only know the voices of their mother, father, and siblings (if they have any). Then they begin to recognize smells and finally sight. What do I mean? I mean the gestures we make with the baby, the way we talk to them, how we hold them in our arms, how we approach them, that will provide them with that security, that will teach them that this world, still unknown to them and which they will soon begin to explore and discover, is a safe world, a beautiful world where they are going to live.
Mom, it’s normal for your baby to cry, for your baby to want to be by your side, to seek you out. You are their safe haven, and all you have to do is be there, be by their side in a kind way, so that they feel that you are indeed their world and their safe haven.
Of course, there will be difficult moments. You will go to the bathroom, and just at that moment, he will wake up from his nap and cry inconsolably because you are not by his side and it takes you a few minutes to get there. There will also come a day when you will leave home without him, leaving him with someone else with whom he will also bond (grandparents, teachers…), and it will hurt your soul… I know… but you will come back and your baby will return to your arms.
The most important thing is that as parents, you always do what your heart tells you to do, that you act as you would have liked to be treated, that you are clear that cuddles, hugs, and sleeping together will never spoil them, that being there, bending down, speaking slowly and at their level will never hurt them, that explaining things, apologizing, or setting limits with love and respect will not make them “walk all over you.”
No, this is raising children with love to develop a secure attachment and a healthy bond with our children, a safety net for their future, a refuge they can always turn to, no matter how old they are… We will always need a hug from mom or a kiss from dad.
Ana Torres
Asesora de Maternidad
