“The temper tantrum stage is a good thing, and poor is the child who doesn’t go through it, because that means they don’t have their own ideas or that they’ve been beaten down so much that they’ve stopped defending themselves.”

Rosa Jové

The dreaded tantrums… Do all children go through this phase? Can we do anything to prevent it from happening to us? What do I do if they throw a tantrum in public? I panic at this moment… These are all real expressions from real families.

Yes, we are very afraid of this stage of development, but why? We probably fear it because we don’t understand it, we don’t understand its importance in our children’s development, and we are overwhelmed by what others will say, their opinions and judgments, which is normal… It is a difficult stage, sometimes complicated, and it can push us to our limits as parents.

In fact, even the name “tantrum” doesn’t do justice to this stage of development. Rather than tantrums, we could call them emotional outbursts or explosions, since that’s precisely what they are: huge outbursts that even the children themselves don’t understand.

So today, as you read this, I want to give you another perspective on this phase. I want you to understand its importance. Even though it is a tough and difficult phase, I want you to know that it is also a phase that comes and goes, lasting for an intense period of time, but if we handle it with the right tools, it will go away and never return.

The first thing we need to know is that children’s brains are completely emotional until the age of 7 or 8, which means that their emotions are very intense and close to the surface until that age. We cannot ask them to reason their actions because they are not ready to do so.

At the age of two, the neocortex, the layer that covers the emotional brain (which will finish developing around the age of 25), begins to develop. It is in this layer that the most developed brain functions, such as empathy and reasoning, will be located. This is why the age of two is a complex stage, when these emotional outbursts begin.

At this age, there are also cognitive and motor changes, with a great drive for autonomy, testing that they have complete control over the world around them. Socialization also appears; they like to be with their peers and enjoy these relationships.

As you can see, at this age, the brain is in full swing with neural connections and learning, and it is up to us, the adults in their lives, to ensure that this development is enhanced in an affective, empathetic way, whether we provide strategies or not… It is the interpretation we adults make that will determine learning.

The way we react and act when faced with an emotional outburst is crucial to what will be imprinted on that developing brain.

So, based on all this, we can say that emotional outbursts are completely normal from the age of one and a half or two years to four or six years; all children have them, it is part of their development and their way of learning about the world and their own emotions.

And although these outbursts are inevitable, we can keep in mind some strategies to minimize them, such as:

• Routines: knowing what is going to happen provides stability and confidence and regulates crucial moments of hunger and sleep.
• Prepared environment: this will allow your little one to explore and move around freely, satisfying their need to explore and play.
• Love and understanding: empathy, being there, knowing how to see their needs and accompany them.
• Give in or don’t give in: don’t give in when you know you shouldn’t or when they cross a line or break a rule. You can give in if it’s not something important, such as choosing their own clothes.

It is important to internalize that our little ones are constantly observing and learning from us, which is why it is so important to be aware of our tone of voice, the words we use, our gestures, our gaze…

What happens when our son or daughter is overwhelmed?

We could say that “their brain is hijacked.” They don’t respond to words or reason. It’s not the time to talk, humiliate, judge, get angry, or leave them alone… It’s the time to be there, at their level, with contact, with a kind look, because when they are like this, it means that some of their needs are not being met. Therefore, we must respect that moment of explosion and let them express themselves.

How can we lower the intensity? The most important thing is to be close. If they let us, we can make contact, first little by little, until we get a hug. If they don’t let us, it’s okay. We can remind them that we are there for them when they need us.

And when calm returns… We must redirect:

With words of calm, never with judgments or reproaches.

We accept and validate their emotion, but not the action. We can give them strategies to change the action, but the emotion will always be valid.

We can see the positive; there is always something positive.

We can start working on empathy with questions such as, “If this happened to you, how would you feel?”

In short, these outbursts or meltdowns are normal in childhood. They occur because of brain, emotional, and physical development; children are discovering the world and themselves; and they are caused by a lack of regulation or a need that is not being met. It is our reaction to them that will shape their learning. It is our appropriate support that will guide these outbursts and make them less intense over time. It is also the right time to name what they are feeling and give them tools to help them understand what is happening and, in the future, to be able to act differently.

In short, if we change our perspective on this stage, it can be a time of powerful learning and consolidation of attachment.

If you are in the midst of an outburst, take a deep breath, because this really does pass. Hang in there, moms and dads!

Ana Torres

Asesora de Maternidad